A guide to dealing effectively with teenagers and other such impossible things

So, the byproduct of my marriage turned teen a couple of years back. This is about the time when you realize why children are also called ‘issues’ (although generally spouses are  bigger ‘issues’!) However, in my extensive experience of about 100 weeks+,  I have garnered some absolutely fool-proof tips to ensure peace and harmony in a house with a teen

Washroom policies - If you take 10 minutes for the shower + dump combo, you are wasting yours and others valuable time, but if your teen takes 2 hours for the same, it’s totally OK because the washroom is one of their thinking spaces. So, if they take extra time there, it is quite possible that they will come out with a solution to this climate change thing. If you interrogate them about shower times, it can and will contribute to global warming. So let them be.   Incidentally never ask your teen the dreaded “Did you do potty today?” question -  directly or indirectly….absolutely unacceptable…...and if you do ask that in public, in the presence of other living humans, then that’s like the end of normal life as you know it…

Public appearances - You are not supposed to accompany them anywhere outside your house and if you do, you are not supposed to be seen and if you are seen you are supposed to act like you are just a stranger who happened to be there. They are not supposed to accompany you to any of your events, simply because neither you, nor your pre-historic dinosaur friends are cool enough for them

Entertainment policies - The TV is one thing you need to be really firm about. You paid for the TV.The TV is yours. Period. Just give the remote control to them. And all will be well. Mobile phones and time spent on social media are also really important and you need to enforce a really balanced approach here. So, if you buy them the latest smart phone, just to balance things, you yourself will need to go for one of those cheaper button phones (on the bright side you can play ‘snake’ whenever you are bored or throw it on stray dog chasing you). If they spent too much time on social media, you need to give up FB and twitter for a few weeks to balance things. ..and oh, anyway insta is not for you dude..so don’t even go there…like literally don’t… and if u do, please don’t follow their accounts and embarrass them.

Dress codes - They choose their dresses. You don’t get to comment. They can comment on whatever you wear…and they will comment viciously (and if your teen is of the female kind, a point regarding colors. You think of colors as light and dark, while they have a couple of dozen sub-shades in between for each color. Don’t argue. So, if they say blue is teal,turquoise and some kinda word u haven’t even heard of, they are probably right)

General behavior - Dad jokes, burps, farts – absolute no-nos. If you do lose control with any of these, please follow it up with a ‘I am sorry’, even if you obviously are not. 

Finally, language and gestures- you need to understand their lingo to communicate effectively (at least act like you understand  A detailed exposition is beyond the scope of this write up, but a few important aspects are 

Barely audible grunts – can signify a half-hearted yes, an expression of boredom, hunger or contempt. Work it out according to the context. If in doubt go for contempt. Statistically more likely

‘Duh’  - it basically means –‘you low IQ dad/mom /creature/twit, don’t you know this much?’ 

‘Wassup ol’man’ -  no don’t look if you have messages on whatsapp and don’t look at the sky. If directed  to you, just smile. A ‘I’m good’ can be an acceptable response.

“Chill dude”  no it’s not cold. Basically teenese for ‘shut up’ old man

 Never reply with the words like ‘cool’, ‘chill’ or  ‘dude’ even unknowingly. It would sound really odd coming from your old mouth…something like putting premium petrol in your nano.

Eye rolls- no they are not looking at a lizard on the ceiling. You did/said something stupid. If it can be undone, do it. If not apologize. Eyeroll with sighing and disgusted head shakes – apologize quicker.

Smiles + extremely lovey dovey behavior + actually talking more than 2 syllables – time to check their progress report, dig into your wallet, or both.

No communicative sounds at all for long durations– generally normal behavior. If they open their mouths for food, things are OK. If they don’t,check if the food is good (ordering pizza  often solves the issue)

So, hope that these simple hacks will show them who is the boss.

All the best!

Mind your language!

More often than not when you send a manuscript to an American or European journal, and the editor realizes that the corresponding author is desi….a standard comment packed in with the rest of the sophisticated abuse is  something on the lines of ‘The language needs significant revision/ please get it checked by a native English speaker’. So it was interesting when recently we got the same comment, when we actually had a full blooded Britisher as a co-author….I mean, how much more ‘native’ can you get?:)

The material was not really Nobel prize worthy anyway, so we had more or less assumed that the paper would be rejected anyway, but we still swallowed our pride and made some cosmetic changes and resubmitted. The honorable editor did not disappoint a bit. The submission was flushed down the electronic drain promptly.

 Sometimes I really wish I could indulge in a little light hearted banter with the editor in these situations, just for ‘time-pass’.  I would probably incorporate some solid Tharoorism combined with equally solid mallu engleeshu. Things would probably look something like:

“Extremely respected excellency editor saar,

I yam the sworry that my engleeshu not that adipoli. I studied in engleeshu school only, but very humbil and simble school only. So some some  engleeshu and all knowing, but not lot lot. U get point elle? You said to check with the native engleeshu speaker, but regret to inform you that in my native place, all same engleeshu level only. What to do? Sad only. Tharoor saar, u know? He very good engleeshu….much the better than the u england people and americakaaru. Big, big engleeshu (farrago and all….not simbil rodomontade words),but  he native of Trivandrum, myself Kochi. Wife Trivandrum native…but wife not author in this the paper…and wife also same engleesh like me only…maybe little less only (PS : please don’t tell her…if she read this she give me slow death, like the kuzhimandi chor making thing you know) . Manasillayo saar? But u know what the thing saar, one of the co-authors…..he sayippu only, like the you, same native place in the Elizabeth Rani’s place…and very white skin and all. Then how his engleeshu not good. Tell tell. I know that there is engleesh correcting DTP service and all for your journal (we also have same…Akshaya center you know aa?)….but big moneys asking. We simbil people from the Kerala. No moneys….we pay big money for puravastu (antique) u know. Our Monson sir having everything from Judas paisa to rocket fuel.....but we simbil people have  no money for normal fuel only (petrol daily daily jumping like the kangaroo). Sad only. So, like your Shakespeare chettan say, please don’t make the much ado about the nothing and all. Little problems in the writing and just you close eyes and all is the well that ends in the well.

Nanni, namaskaram

Your fatefully

Dr Feroze Kaliyadan