The trick to dealing with your wife’s trick questions- a survival guide

So recently in our house we have been increasingly subjected to various degrees of torture in the form of  k-pop and k-dramas courtesy our teenager. In general, Mr.Jungkook apparently is better than Shahrukh and Kimchi is supposed to be way better than Khichdi.

One such K-drama we saw recently was ‘My familiar wife’ (the title was interesting I thought since it gives the impression that there were multiple wives involved, some more familiar than the others). Anyway, so this show is all about a man who gets a chance to go back to the past and change his wife/life  as he was getting maritally stifled in the present …only to predictably realize that the good old one was the best thing that happened to him).

All good. The problem was when in the middle of the whole thing the local familiar wife ‘innocently’ pops a tricky one “Given a chance, would you like to go back in time and if yes, which part of your past would you go back to?”

 In my defense I was sleepy and tired when I impulsively replied “Yes, to my high school days”

“Oh ok, you mean the time before you met me in college….when you were hanging out with your ‘friends’?” (N:wives don’t need to show quotation marks or put undue emphasis on certain words. You just know that some words were in ominous quote marks”)

Silence. Realization. The smell of potentially lethal emotional and bodily trauma.

“Uh I mean that time in general..you know high school, college….” nervous laughter

The teenage k-pop/k-drama devouring monster on the side meanwhile pauses the TV and gleefully becomes spectator. She is the kid who is always on the sidelines of class fights shouting ‘fight, fight, fight’

“hmmm…..so would you change something from that time..the time before we met time…that time” laughter from her too. Not nervous. Just cold and matter of fact. Something like  a sedated, bored Mogambo.

Check

“No, not a thing……sweetheart, not a thing …..”

Back in the game I thought

Daughter, slaps her head. I look from daughter to wife, feeling a bit nauseous…an odd foreboding….

“Right…then why go back dearest husband?”

Check and mate.

 

 

 

 

 

Rule no 1 – any question from your wife is a potential trick question.NEVER ANSWER IMPULSIVELY. These questions are like intricate chess games. If you mess up in the opening gambit, the endgame is quite swift and painful…and no prizes for guessing the winner.

Effectively dealing with trick questions is an essential survival skill that all husbands (who want to survive) need to imbibe. Unfortunately, the quality and complexity of trick questions has significantly improved over the last few years¹.

“Did you forget what day this is?”  potentially life-threatening. If in the rare situation realization dawns on you regarding the significance of the day- wish her, kiss her, spend money and time on/with her….live. In the more likely situation of you not having the foggiest clue of what day it is – just hug her tight for as long as possible (if she becomes unconscious your problem is solved, but that would be a bit unlikely), stall for time, try generic statements like “I love you so much”, confuse, obfuscate- till you get a clue on the significance of the date. Then go to previous step.

 

 ‘How does this dress look on me?’ or a more dangerous  vaguer version “How do I look?” (for the dress thing the standard answer should be variations of “any dress looks good on you” followed by mushy, yucky endearments like ‘honey’, ‘sweetheart’, ‘darling’ etc. N: Generally practice suffixing these endearments in a non-sarcastic tone whenever in doubt. Practice in front of a mirror to get your facial expressions right). For the “How do I look” one try the hug/ suffocation/ obfuscation thing (unless you are a really good actor who can pull off a “you look awesome” one while keeping a straight face)

   “Do you miss me” – the obvious advantage of this one is that this is usually long distance,on phone, so she does not have to see your facial expressions. Good answers to go for – a simple “yes, I do” (although these words might bring back painful nuptial memories for some), or “Sooooooooooooooo much” followed by aforementioned mushy endearments. Try not to chuckle. Be more careful if this is on video call (can see facial expressions, can be recorded, can/will be used against you). If messaging, be liberal with heart emojis…mushier the better.

“Did you like the food?” Wife makes special dinner, inspired by Masterchef. Simplest solution is to immediately take an extra large bite of whatever it is supposed to be and make ‘mmmmmmm’ sounds and blow flying kisses. Swallow quickly when she turns away.

And then there are some holes from which you simply cannon extricate yourself (eg: “Can you give me your phone,  I need to check something”). In these situations simply surrender and pray or vice versa.

Finally, like all the big things in life, no one answer is correct. The key is to join together.Find your own path to salvation but share your solutions with your brothers. Survive together.

 

 

 

 

 

References

1.       Ask any husband you dodo.